The article below explores mentoring to support treatment for those with eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorer or ED NOS. It is republished here with permission from the author.

How to be a Good Mentor

By Shannon Cutts
Reprinted from Eating Disorders Recovery Today
FALL 2009 Volume 7, Number 4
©2009 Gürze Books

We can all think of at least one person whose path has crossed our own and left us forever the better for it.

Maybe this person arrived at a time in our life when we were feeling negative, discouraged, uninspired, or outmatched by life"s challenges. After time spent in their company, however, we came away feeling refreshed, encouraged, renewed, and determined to overcome…with a dream of one day helping someone else in turn.

This experience, which is common to all of us, forms the foundation of the partnership known as mentoring. In the Winter 2009 edition of Eating Disorders Recovery Today we explored the basics of mentoring. We set out the basic definition of a mentor as a trusted guide who has knowledge and experience in a certain area and is willing and able to share it, and a mentee as a person who is in need of guidance and support and is willing to receive it.

Here, we will continue our exploration by focusing on how you can become a quality mentor to someone who needs the life experience, perspective, guidance, and encouragement you are uniquely equipped to provide.

How do I know I will make a good mentor to someone else?
The biggest determinant of readiness to serve as a mentor is a willingness to first be mentored. The best teachers are always good students themselves. A good mentor has taken the time to lay their own groundwork by accepting guidance and oversight from qualified others, learning how to identify when and what type of help is needed, reaching out to ask for that help, and persevering through difficulty to make breakthroughs. Only by first becoming a mentee will you cultivate the wisdom, humility, and perspective to make a positive impact as a mentor.

Can I learn how to become a mentor?
Absolutely. Most of the information you seek for learning how to become a good mentor can be found inside of your own life experiences. The better you know yourself and your own story, the more you will have to offer your mentee. Pay particular attention to how you faced and overcame significant life challenges by contemplating the following questions:

• What did you do?
• Where did you go for help?
• How did you keep yourself strong and moving forward?
• What did you say to yourself to encourage yourself?
• Where did you find hope and inspiration?
• What was the role of gratitude and self-effort in your journey?
• What did you learn from the stories of others to keep you striving and growing towards your goals?

What are the qualities of a good mentor?
Mentors possess many great qualities, which include (but are not limited to): kindness, respect for self and others, compassion, the ability to articulate clearly and kindly, patience, good listening skills, humility, inner strength, the wisdom to seek appropriate support even while supporting others, an awareness of and respect for the limitations of the mentoring role, the strength to say "yes" and "no" when appropriate, well-roundedness, successful navigation of life challenges, perseverance, and the discernment to differentiate the temporary struggle from the enduring human being who is struggling.

Are there limitations to my role as mentor?
A mentor fulfills a specific role for a specific purpose, and that role is based on the synergy found between the mentee"s need for support in a specific area and the mentor"s life experiences. Mentoring is not a substitution for the advice and care of a medical professional, nor should a mentor venture to offer advice on matters that fall outside of the purpose and goal of the mentoring partnership. As a mentor, you should continually reinforce to your mentee that any advice or thoughts offered come only from your personal experiences, and may be of variable quality.

What makes a mentoring partnership work?
The value and efficacy of mentoring is determined largely by the mentee"s proactiveness in making good use of the mentor"s time and guidance. As a mentor, you cannot do the work for your mentee, nor can you make your mentee want to grow. You will instead respond in kind to your mentee"s efforts to keep in touch, to implement agreed-upon action plans and report back with results, to take guidance and direction, and to do the hard work necessary to reach stated goals.

How do I become a mentor?
When you start to look for them, you may just find that opportunities to mentor are all around you. A mentee may also approach you and request mentoring, because they have observed that you have life skills and qualities that they wish to gain. Or you may suddenly notice someone in your sphere of influence who is struggling, and choose to approach them to offer encouragement and support. If you have significant experience in a certain area of life you may wish to volunteer to share your story to interested audiences, and in this way you may find your path crossing with someone who is in the middle of a similar challenge and could benefit from your wisdom and experience.

Who can become a mentor?
Mentoring relationships can form whenever one individual"s need and another individual"s life experience meet. Mentoring can happen in moments, or over the course of a lifetime. Even little children, pets, and movie characters can provide valuable sources of ongoing mentoring and inspiration through the life lessons we learn while interacting with them.

Can a mentor offer group support to several mentees at once?
While the most intensive mentoring experiences will most likely be found in one-on-one mentoring partnerships, there is a great deal to be gained from facilitating group mentoring experiences as well. As you begin mentoring, you may notice that a number of people resonate with the wisdom and encouragement you have to offer. You may wish to create a group where you and your mentees can discuss common mentoring themes, obstacles, and experiences. This is also an excellent avenue for your mentees to meet and learn to support one another.

How and how often should I meet with my mentee?
As often as needed and time permits. It is very important to establish clear expectations right at the beginning. If you find that your mentee wishes to meet in person, but you live several hours away, or that your mentee wants to talk daily but you only have a few hours a week to offer, it will be important to evaluate up front whether or not you are the right mentor for that person"s needs. The method of communication (email, text, phone, or in person) is generally not as important as the fact that communication is occurring on a regular and mutually agreeable basis.

How long should a mentoring relationship last?
As long as both mentor and mentee wish to continue and find productive value in the partnership. Mentoring relationships can last for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

What do I do if I believe my mentee is at risk and needs immediate help beyond what I can offer as a mentor?
Inherent in the responsibility of serving as someone"s mentor is the possibility that at some point, the mentee"s need may extend beyond what you as a mentor can provide. It is helpful to have handy the contact information for professional organizations who may facilitate increased levels of care in an area where your mentee is struggling. It is also helpful to have additional contact information for your mentee in the event that family members may need to be alerted. If your mentee is a minor, it is vital that you obtain parental consent before serving as a mentor. Even if your mentee is a legal adult, if you suspect that an emergency situation exists, take immediate action. Regardless of the age and status of your mentee, always state up front that confidentiality only applies for so long as the mentee does not become a danger to her/himself or others.

Where can I go to find more information about mentoring and to volunteer as a mentor?
The national non-profit organization Mentor (www.mentoring.org) has valuable information about mentoring, including structured guidelines for how to start and implement a mentoring program and a database by state of mentoring opportunities. MentorCONNECT is the first mentoring program created specifically for individuals in recovery from eating disorders (www.mentorconnect-ed.org).

The use of mentoring can be very useful during and after treatment. Selah House Eating Disorder Program sees great benefit in the healing value of relationships. We will be doing a series on mentoring in the blog over the next few weeks to examine what it is and how both mentees and mentors benefit. The article below is written by Shannon Cutts, the Executive Director of MentorCONNECT. She is recovered from an eating disorder and has developed a website as well a system of connecting recovered mentors to mentees in order to help those with eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder NOS and binge eating disorder receive free help. The sites are private and monitored and also offer blogs, groups and extensive information to help people on the path to recovery.

By Shannon Cutts- permission given for use 
Originally Printed in Eating Disorders Recovery Today
Winter 2009 Volume 7, Number 1
©2009 Gürze Books

I can sum up my own recovery from anorexia and bulimia with four words—relationships replace eating disorders.

When I became ill with anorexia at the age of eleven, I didn’t know how to tell my parents what felt so wrong inside of me, and they didn’t know what to say to help me open up to them. When they applied to our family pediatrician for help, he advised them that it was best not to discuss it with me and reassured them that I would soon grow out of it. My father, unhappy with this wait-and-see approach, then called the insurance company and was tersely informed that “eating problems” were not covered under the family policy. Left with only my pediatrician’s advice, my parents decided to keep silent.

What this meant was that the voice of the eating disorder was the only one talking to me on a regular basis, giving me confident-sounding advice about how to deal with life’s daily challenges. And I, in my isolation and loneliness, became all too willing to listen. By the time I was a freshman music major in college, I was beginning to struggle with bulimia as well.

Then, scarcely two months after I had arrived at college, the tendons in my hands gave out under the strain of my piano practice schedule. I was left with no choice but to return home. My mother quickly located a physical therapist for me, and drove me to Annie’s* office every week.

It didn’t take Annie long to figure out that there was more going on with me than just hand injuries. One day, at my weekly session, she gently asked if I was okay. I opened my mouth to reassure her that all was well…and it all came spilling out—the fear of food, the hopelessness, the loss of my music, the loneliness that made me long to curl up and die. Amazingly, Annie asked if there was anything she could do to help.

Even more amazingly, I said “yes.”
Since neither Annie nor I knew that much about eating disorders recovery, we embarked upon a learning quest together. Together, we began to brainstorm ways I could overcome my fear of food. She helped me find some local support groups and encouraged me to go. She shared books that had inspired her. We talked and she got to know me, which made all the difference in my daily willingness and ability to do the hard work of recovery.

In the power of the bond that formed between Annie and me, we unwittingly discovered the eating disorder’s strength—and its fatal weakness. It had thrived while I was in isolation, but now I had a trusted friend by my side, someone who could see me apart from my eating disorder and who was not nearly as intimidated by it as I. And over time, my relationship with Annie began to replace my need for the relationship I had formed with the eating disorder. As we met each week, I, too, began to be able to look past the eating disorder and see myself through Annie’s eyes—as a hero in my own life.

Without Annie’s help and support, I would not be here to share my story of hope and triumph today. This is the power of mentoring.

Mentoring 101
Today, we have so many more resources than what was available when I was struggling with an eating disorder. But one fact remains unchanged—we still need support to get better and stay that way.

Just what is a mentor? Who can serve as one and what are the benefits of a mentoring relationship? How do you know you are ready to be mentored? For that matter, how do you find a good mentor, or learn to become one?

What do you mean by “mentor” and “mentee”?
A mentor, in this context, is a trusted guide who has knowledge and experience in a certain area, and is willing and able to share it. A mentee is a person who is in need of guidance and support, and is willing to receive it. While it is not absolutely necessary (although it is extremely desirable) that your mentor be familiar with the specifics of eating disorders, poor body image, or other related issues, the person you choose must be able to relate to your struggles on some personal level and express a willingness to learn how to best support you.

Who can be a mentor?
The beauty of a mentoring partnership is that it can happen both within and outside the context of a traditional therapeutic relationship. It is quite common for many of the principles of a quality mentoring relationship to be found in the bond that forms between therapist and patient—many former sufferers credit their recovery success to the guidance of compassionate, caring treatment team members. However, teachers, coaches, parents, siblings, clergy, significant others, spouses, friends, and other individuals may also be uniquely positioned and qualified to serve as mentors.

What is a mentor’s “job description”?
First and foremost, the mentor serves as a resource and cheerleader to a person who wants to meet certain recovery goals and is willing to do the work that is required. Mentoring is driven by the mentee’s need for support and desire to recover. A mentor’s role, therefore, is necessarily reactive rather than proactive, as it is the mentee who is driving the process by seeking out the mentor’s guidance, assistance, and advice for navigating both the day-to-day and the larger recovery issues as they arise.

What are the benefits of having a mentor?
The mentor, not being intimidated by the eating disorder, can serve as a voice of reason, compassion, tough love, and kind encouragement. The mentor is also able to remind the mentee of past successes and future payoffs for continuing to work on recovery.

Ideally, the mentor also possesses first- or second-hand experience with the recovery process, and thus comes into the partnership equipped with some level of awareness of how it feels and what it takes to overcome these types of significant life challenges. The mentor may even have personal experience with the process of transitioning through various stages of care, and is therefore well positioned to serve as a source of ongoing support throughout the entire length and breadth of the mentee’s recovery journey. The mentor can also act as a resource and support to the mentee in the unfortunate situation where further treatment may not be affordable, available, or both.

How do I know if I am ready for a mentor?
There is some truth to the old saying that “when the student is ready, the teacher appears.” Beyond that, readiness to begin working with a mentor is born out of a sincere determination to achieve recovery by whatever means necessary (which includes the active willingness to attempt to replace the eating-disordered thoughts and coping skills with healthier connections and behaviors). As with all successful partnerships, courage, trust, and a sense of adventure are paramount to success.

Do I have to pay for mentoring?
Each mentoring partnership is unique. Some mentors may choose to charge for their time and others may wish to offer their support free of charge, on a sliding scale, or pro bono. Some universities and non-profit organizations offer mentoring as a part of their menu of support services. The most important thing is to find a mentor who appears to be willing and equipped to serve. From there, it becomes possible to design a partnership that will work for both participants.

How can I find a mentor?
Locating and assessing potential mentors is both a logical and intuitive process. Certainly, it makes sense to look close to home for someone within your family, local community, or spiritual home. Is there a teacher with whom you felt some rapport or a trained member of a peer support group or counseling center at school? Perhaps you might consider approaching a relative who has expressed a past interest in your health and well-being. Participating in reputable online recovery sites, such as MentorCONNECT, my organization’s private, monitored online mentoring community, is also a great way to connect with individuals who want to help each other build positive support systems. Or you could attend a local meeting of Eating Disorders Anonymous, Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous or Overeaters Anonymous, which are all fellowship organizations that consider the mentor-mentee (or “sponsor-sponsee”) relationship as integral to successful recovery. If you are looking for therapy specifically, organizations such as Gürze Books and the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) offer referral directories of professionals who are specifically knowledgeable about eating disorders.

Brainstorm a list of potential mentors, challenging yourself to consider both obvious and not-so-obvious candidates. From there, take a leap of faith! Pick a method of contact (in person, phone, mail, email, text, etc.) that feels comfortable. Explain to that person what type of support you are seeking, offer some ideas for how they could best support you, and invite them to discuss the possibility further with you. A mentoring partnership is still first and foremost a relationship, and it is important to “click” with your mentor, and vice versa, to ensure that you will derive the most benefit out of your time together.

If I have a mentor do I still need a treatment team?
In a word — YES. When I was ill, for reasons both unfortunate and unavoidable, my relationship with Annie was all that I had in terms of a treatment team. She stood right in between me and the eating disorder, helping me to remember why I chose recovery and reminding me that I had the power to choose to fight, survive, and thrive. Even so, I would never advocate attempting to “go it alone,” even with a caring mentor by your side. Rather, the true value of mentoring can be found through integrating a mentor into the efforts of a full treatment team, using the unique talents and contributions of each member to fully support the person who is striving to get better. When we all work together on behalf of someone who is striving to achieve recovery, the sky is the limit when it comes to setting—and exceeding—our shared recovery goals!

*a pseudonym has been used to protect privacy

—
Shannon Cutts is the author of Beating Ana: How to Outsmart Your Eating Disorder and Take Your Life Back and the founder of MentorCONNECT. Her website has information about how to find or become a mentor at http://www.mentorconnect-ed.org/. Also, be sure to visit her “Beating Ana” Gürze blog featured at www.eatingdisordersblogs.com.

The eating disorders, anorexia and bulimia can damage the heart if the disorders go untreated. It is important to understand so that those who suffer from these eating disorders can seek early intervention before long-term damage takes place. There is an article covering this issue on cardiacmatters.co.uk, a website that focuses on cardiac health issues.

Here is an excerpt from the article:  "As body weight in someone with anorexia falls to dangerously low levels, the body not only digests skeletal muscle to take the protein that this contains, it also starts to digest heart muscle. These reduce in size, becoming weaker. The lack of nourishment also affects the way the muscles work because it changes the balance of electrolytes in the blood and in the muscle tissue. ....Starvation disrupts the normal balance of electrolytes in the body and the muscles can no longer contract effectively. The problem also occurs in bulimia, where it tends to be worse because of the effect of repeated vomiting." Click here to open a page with the article.

You can also go to the National Eating Disoders Association website page with information on other health consequences of eating disorders like anorexia or bulimia. Click Here to view the NEDA info.

Self soothing skills can help during recovery from eating disorders like bulimia and anorexia as well as the coexisting disorders that can accompany them. An aricle on eatingdisorderhope.com explains this and how it can be helpful.

Here is an excerpt:  "The ability to self soothe is one of the most essential tools a person can use in an eating disorder recovery treatment regimen. Self soothing is also beneficial in treating related dual diagnosis issues like addiction and other compulsive behaviors that are often co-occurring with eating disorders. What is self soothing? Where do people learn how to do it? How is it done? Why is important? And, perhaps most importantly, why is this skill worth developing in an eating disorder recovery treatment plan?"

Go to the article.